Smug Lexicon

  • Artisanal: appropriately, if absurdly, expensive and beautifully, if cynically, packaged to appeal to the Smug consumer
  • Backyard: unrelated to an actual yard, refers to anything you could make by hand if you didn’t prefer to pay someone an exorbitant amount to make by hand
  • Charred: artisanal black coating on bread, pizza, or vegetables, what you used to know as “burned to a crisp”
  • Cold-pressed: superior juices and oils because you do not abuse your vegetables with blades but rather with heavy granite millstones
  • Crafted: not necessarily artistic or creative or original, but a Smug human made it rather than a machine
  • Direct trade: farmed or crafted items from which a third world producer may actually eke out a miserly third world living
  • Fair trade: farmed or crafted third world items that force a poverty stricken craftsperson/farmer to share meager profits with exporters and a multi-tiered foundation
  • Farmers’ Market: any community’s Smug Epicenter, which will also be the only place you are allowed to buy produce if you are Smug
  • Foraged: slick new term for items, especially mushrooms, that have been picked from an outdoor location
  • Heirloom: the expensive, multicolored, premium tomatoes your grandparents just called “tomatoes”
  • Local: food some other people, probably a bunch of migrant workers along with a Simon Legree or two, drive up to eight hours to get to you
  • Local-Seasonal-Organic: Smug version of the Trinity and Smug Scout’s only connection with an organized religion
  • Market-driven: refers to a pricey menu that features produce too unusual and expensive to find in a supermarket other than a  Whole Foods on the West Coast
  • Organic: an expensive certification process that essentially means that any animal feces residue will not kill you
  • Raw: the only “living” food vegetarians can eat
  • Reclaimed: some garbage put to another use
  • Repurposed: some random old useless object, not yet called garbage, put to another use
  • Seasonal: has never traveled in a container ship from South America or China
  • Single-source/single-origin: no race mixing in your coffee
  • Sustainable: you’re allowed to eat it/drink it/wear it without feeling guilty
  • Vintage: the stage before “repurposed”
  • Whole Foods: an amusement park for Smug shoppers (note: Smug Scout will never call it “Whole Paycheck” because high prices reflect quality and social justice)

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