- Artisanal: appropriately, if absurdly, expensive and beautifully, if cynically, packaged to appeal to the Smug consumer
- Backyard: unrelated to an actual yard, refers to anything you could make by hand if you didn’t prefer to pay someone an exorbitant amount to make by hand
- Charred: artisanal black coating on bread, pizza, or vegetables, what you used to know as “burned to a crisp”
- Cold-pressed: superior juices and oils because you do not abuse your vegetables with blades but rather with heavy granite millstones
- Crafted: not necessarily artistic or creative or original, but a Smug human made it rather than a machine
- Direct trade: farmed or crafted items from which a third world producer may actually eke out a miserly third world living
- Fair trade: farmed or crafted third world items that force a poverty stricken craftsperson/farmer to share meager profits with exporters and a multi-tiered foundation
- Farmers’ Market: any community’s Smug Epicenter, which will also be the only place you are allowed to buy produce if you are Smug
- Foraged: slick new term for items, especially mushrooms, that have been picked from an outdoor location
- Heirloom: the expensive, multicolored, premium tomatoes your grandparents just called “tomatoes”
- Local: food some other people, probably a bunch of migrant workers along with a Simon Legree or two, drive up to eight hours to get to you
- Local-Seasonal-Organic: Smug version of the Trinity and Smug Scout’s only connection with an organized religion
- Market-driven: refers to a pricey menu that features produce too unusual and expensive to find in a supermarket other than a Whole Foods on the West Coast
- Organic: an expensive certification process that essentially means that any animal feces residue will not kill you
- Raw: the only “living” food vegetarians can eat
- Reclaimed: some garbage put to another use
- Repurposed: some random old useless object, not yet called garbage, put to another use
- Seasonal: has never traveled in a container ship from South America or China
- Single-source/single-origin: no race mixing in your coffee
- Sustainable: you’re allowed to eat it/drink it/wear it without feeling guilty
- Vintage: the stage before “repurposed”
- Whole Foods: an amusement park for Smug shoppers (note: Smug Scout will never call it “Whole Paycheck” because high prices reflect quality and social justice)